ABCs of Dating – T U and V (Part 7 of 8)

This is the seventh installment of my 8-part ABCs of Dating series.  Enjoy!

T for Thirty-One (aka Proverbs 31)

A common theme when trying to find Christian dates is that every Christian man wants a Proverbs 31 wife, or so their dating profiles claim.  Proverbs 31 is a highlights montage of all the items that have appeared on the to-do list of the perfect wife – over a period of many years, not in one day.  (I used Bible Gateway as my reference for writing this piece.)

The verses of Proverbs 31 describe an amazing woman.  The passage was written by King Lemuel, relaying his mother’s teachings.  It was his mother’s advice for choosing a queen, and her knowledge may have come from being in the upper echelons of society.

The message of this Bible section is to convey the advice of a king regarding looking for a bride.  In those days, a king was expected to hear individually from his subjects, lead the military, and make laws and decrees.  He didn’t lay around on the couch while his wife did all the work.

Proverbs 31 boasts of a woman whose value is more than jewels.  She knits, crochets and sews, and she loves doing those activities!  (In those days, these activities were not hobbies, but work activities that produced useful goods – there were no factories!)  She goes grocery shopping at multiple stores, to get the best ingredients at the best prices.  She awakens early in the morning, while it is still dark, to provide food for her household – including her servants.  Everyone also has appropriate clothing for winter weather, and she helps the poor and needy.

She makes her own clothing with the best fabric and dyes.  She also sells clothing as well as appropriate wares for the tradesmen.

She is not only an excellent homemaker (with servants), she is also a savvy business woman.  She purchases land and plants a vineyard to create revenue.  She works hard and is physically strong.  She is confident in her revenue.  She does not go to bed early, and she has ample resources to pay for electricity to keep the household light at night if necessary.  (Oil was costly in biblical times and was necessary for keeping lamps burning after dark.)

Her husband, a king, is well known as a man of wisdom.  He trusts his wife and knows that her work benefits their family.  She only does good and not evil, and this reflects well on their family.  As an individual, she is dignified, she has hope and positive plans for the future.  She is wise and demonstrates kindness.  She is not lazy.  Her children adore her and think she is amazing.  Her husband also openly praises her and thinks she is amazing.

It would be great if all women could be so amazing.  It would also be great if we could all marry kings, be at least as wealthy as Oprah, and have innumerable resources.  In the meantime, while all these single men are searching for their Proverbs 31 women, perhaps they should evaluate themselves and figure out how to be the kind of man that such an amazing woman is looking for and how to cultivate his woman to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

Thirty-One is also the name of a company that sells bags, thermals, totes and purses.  I am a consultant with Thirty-One and earn a commission on products sold through my link – at no extra cost to you.  Check them out here.

 

U for Upsides and Underwear

I am keenly aware of the loneliness and yearning feelings while single.  But there are upsides to a single lifestyle.

You don’t have to share a remote control or engage in any kind of negotiations regarding what movies or television shows you want to watch.

You have all the alone time you need.  No one will bother you in the bathroom, and you don’t have to share the bathroom space when you’re getting ready to go to work.

You only have to clean up after yourself.  You don’t have to clean up after anyone else’s mess.  There is no one to remind you or nag you if something is out of place.  You don’t have to ignore messes made by your partner because you’re not supposed to move things that are “his domain.”

When you’re sick, you don’t have to worry about spreading your germs to others, i.e., a whiny husband, and you don’t have to worry about keeping him up all night because you can’t breathe, fall asleep or stop coughing.

Sleep.  You can go to bed as early as you want, sleep as long as you want to, and you don’t have to worry about anyone interrupting your slumber.

You can dress to impress yourself.  You don’t have to keep in mind how Mr. Wonderful prefers your hair, make-up, or clothing.  The same goes for under your clothing too.  No one has to know if you forget to shave or miss a spot.

One perk of marriage I have always looked forward to is getting pretty, lacy undergarments and nightwear.  While I don’t have a man to entice, no one needs to know the details of my clothing inventory.  If I like wearing pretty undergarments, that is only my business, and I am allowed to own them even without a husband to please.

That reminds me – ladies, if you are considered “pluz size,” the bras by Cacique at Lane Bryant are very supportive and the staff is willing to assist you in finding the right fit.

Another upside – you don’t have to explain your shopping habits and expenses to anyone!  You don’t have to lie about how much was spent and on what.  (I’ve heard stories about women who do that.)  And you don’t have to get permission to spend money.

Despite the fact that being single can get really lonely, I have absolute freedom.  There are so many women in seemingly perfect marriages who don’t have the luxuries I mentioned due to various issues in their marriage (or who simply have controlling, jerky husbands).  Freedom and having a life with little drama or strife helps balance out the loneliness of the single life.

 

V for Veto

There are definitely deal breakers that cause immediate veto.  Lying and yelling are very obvious deal breakers.  There is also a lot of room for miscommunication and misunderstandings, colored by your own and your date’s past relationships.

Communication is the biggest issue in any relationship, or so they say.  On a first and only date, my dinner companion asked my advice about things and then immediately shot down my answers.  It was weird.  Why did he ask for my opinion if he was only going to rip it to shreds?  He did that a few times, and I finally responded that I didn’t have enough details to give a good answer.  That didn’t end the date, but between that and some other issues, neither of us pursued anything further.

There are many things that contribute to awkwardness.  Just meeting someone new makes most people nervous.  It’s really easy to say the wrong thing and be misunderstood, or to simply express an opinion the other doesn’t like.  If you decide the issues are more than first date jitters and obvious incompatibility,  it is okay to not go further.  Often, someone will say the superficial “I’ll call/message you,” and simply never follow through.  A good friend responds to her “not gonna happen” date requests (after the awkward first date) that she meets online with an indirect “let’s talk about the details later.  See you online!”

While it is a good idea to give someone a chance, if you feel you can’t make a relationship work because of various incompatibilities – whether they are simple pet peeves or alarming red flags, don’t be afraid to exercise your veto and move on.

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ABCs of Dating – Q R and S (Part 6 of 8)

This is the sixth installment in my 8-part ABCs of Dating series. Enjoy!

Q for Questions

There are so many questions when it comes to dating.  For instance, why and/or how is the person currently available?  Is he divorced?  Was there a bad break-up?  These are important questions.  It is helpful to know if there is a lot of emotional baggage you and your partner will have to deal with – especially when he might take his hostility out on you.

For example, if his ex cheated on him, he may be very possessive and controlling and demand to always know details of your activities.  On the one hand, it isn’t hard to provide updates now that we all carry cell phones, but on the other hand, it can get exhausting to constantly explain where you are, what you are doing, and who you are with.  Has he met this friend?  Why or why not?  The interrogation can get lengthy.

If he doesn’t have bad breakup baggage, then you have different concerns.  Why is he still single?  What is wrong with him?  It is the question I get a lot – what is wrong with me?  It’s a bit off-putting, so it is a good idea to find a nice way to say it, i.e., “why are you available?”  And when he explains why other relationships haven’t worked out, it is good to ask what his deal breakers are.

Often in online dating, you’ll see the unhelpful response “ask me later.”  And this response is all you’ll see in that online dating profile.  My friends and I theorize that the men who can’t be bothered to answer the questionnaire are married men who are checking things out to see what kind of women are available.  It’s annoying because the responses are what help us get a feel for who they are.  It’s also annoying that married men are prowling for women when we are looking for long-term relationships, not cheating relationships.  Imagine what you’re going to tell yourself:  “Yippee, yahoo, it’s my turn to go out to dinner with this married man who made time for me!  And he is breaking his vow to his wife!  Wow, what a catch!”  (I hope I don’t need to point out that’s sarcasm.  I don’t, right?)

For more angst in relation to married men, see M for Married Men and a Certain Meme.

 

R for Rectum or Rat

We all know another name for the orifice known as the rectum, but this tale is not deserving of top billing as A.  I also considered placement as J for Jerk, but this story should not come before Jesus.  I wasted far too much time on this man and it is not worth making him a priority.  He is, however, worthy of a limerick, or four.

There once was a man from P.A.,

My city was his get-away.

He wore pants that were too tight,

I hoped he was Mr. Right,

It’s good I didn’t have my way.

 

He wore disposable britches,

That fetish kept me in stitches.

My int’rest fed his ego,

I should have called him zero.

That wasn’t one of my niches.

 

So there’s Mr. High and Mighty,

Enjoying his tighty whiteys.

So high his view of himself,

He chose to ignore my self.

He thought he was God almighty.

 

His fetish wasn’t clean and neat.

The idiot was indiscreet.

But he found himself a wife,

And she joined his stinky life.

Hear the squish when they take a seat.

 

S for Safety or Stalkers

It seems very easy to run an online dating site.  Basically, you just have the website and its algorithms and all that.  But once it is up and running, it’s time to simply collect money from desperate singletons and offer minimal support.  That’s what it seems like, anyway, when you use an online dating site.

A couple years ago, I was on a website, and there was a man who indicated he was interested.  We had the basic “how are you doing” surface chat and I determined I wasn’t interested.  Over the next few days, I received messages from several different profiles and had the typical basic chatty conversations.

It turned out that all the profiles – four or five – belonged to the same guy.  He posted different details and different photos with each one, so it was easy to not realize they were all the same.  I had to send a report to tech support since one user having multiple profiles was not allowed.  I would have preferred to speak to someone on the phone about it, but I had to wait for tech support to get to my report instead.

I was worried for my safety, but I had not released any personally identifiable information so he could not find my home, my work or anything.

This acts as a reminder to stay safe.  Don’t give out your personal information, your address, phone number or work address.  All of that can be misused and have bad consequences.  If you need to communicate via phone, you can chat via a messenger or you can use the appropriate keypad code to hide your number.

When you do meet someone in person that you met online, it is smart to get a first and last name, and report that information, along with where you’re going and when, to a trusted friend or family member.

A friend had trouble with a man she met through a phone dating app.  He wouldn’t let her go when she ended it.  He continued to call her cell, her workplace, and messaged her friends who were also on the app.  He just wouldn’t go away.  She got a protective order against him to make him stop.

Be careful and be wise.  It is better to be safe than for your demise to become a story on the 11 o’clock news.

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